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Virus


A funeral parlour. A coffin at the head of the room.


Terrence enters through the double doors and locks it behind him. He walks towards the exit and gets his coat from the coat hanger. He opens the exit door and is surprised to find someone standing in the doorway.


Man Terrence Albin?


Terrence Uh…that is, yes…I’m just closing up.


Man I need to talk to you.


Terrence Can you come back tomorrow?


The man enters. Stocky build, tailored suit.


Man No.


Terrence OK then, how can I help then?


Man I need a funeral.


Terrence Uh-huh.


Man Need it tomorrow.


Terrence That’s a bit –


Man Where your coffins?


Terrence Thing is –


The man points at the coffin at the head of the room.


Man You only have ones like this? This one’s shit.


Terrence Afraid I’m out of coffins.


Man You’re…you’re out of coffins.


Terrence That is…yes…


Man Business been good lately?


Silence.


Man I’d imagine it is. Virus must be good for you, people dropping like flies out there.


Terrence I provide a service.


Man Yes you do. Still though. Lots of death and tragedy means more money in your

pocket, right?


Terrence I suppose.


Man Well what about this coffin?


Terrence I thought it was shit.


Man It’ll do. It’s for my uncle, never liked the guy.


Terrence Well it’s taken.


Man Taken?


The man opens the coffin. It’s empty.


Terrence Don’t –


Man Doesn’t look taken to me.


Terrence – do that. I’m heading to the morgue to pick up the body now.


Man Don’t bother, you can head to my estate and pick up my uncle.


Terrence I can’t do that.


Man Sure you can.


Terrence No, that coffin is taken, they’ve signed the papers, we’re having the ceremony tomorrow.


Man Cancel it.


Terrence I can’t cancel it.


Man Coffin non-refundable or something?


Terrence Please leave, sir.


Man Alright, look, I’ll pay you double for it.


Terrence No.


Man Triple?


Terrence It’s- it’s not just the coffin, I have – I have a priest coming down, I’ve sorted a

grave plot.


Man Good, I’ll need those too.


Terrence That’s not…it belongs to the family I’ve sold it to.


Man No, it belongs to me now, and it’d be best if you started seeing it that way too.


Terrence I’d better what now? Who the hell are you?


Man I’m a man who offered you triple your fee without the first idea of how much it is in the first place.


Terrence What does that –


Man It means I’m someone with a lot of money of power who likes getting what he wants. And if I can’t get what I want with my money, I get it with my power. And you wouldn’t want me to start using my power.


Terrence Are you…kidding me right now? You want me to call up a grief-stricken family and tell them…tell them what, their funeral is unfortunately cancelled?


Man That’s exactly what I want you to do.


Terrence You’re insane.


Man After that I want you to get in your hearse and come pick up the body at this address.


The man gets a slip of paper out and holds it out.


Terrence Please leave now sir, I’m starting to run late.


Man Take the address.


Terrence No.


Man Take it. Take it and then I’ll leave.


Terrence reaches out to take it.


Terrence You realise this doesn’t mean I’m coming right?


Man No, no, of course not.


Terrence takes the paper and reads it. His eyes widen in fear.

Man You have a good day now.


The man starts walking towards the exit.


Terrence Is this…this where you live?


Man Hmm?


Terrence You live here?


Man Yes, mansion just outside of town.


Terrence No, I know where it is, everyone knows where it is. And you live there?


Man That’s right.


Terrence So you’re the head of the –


Man Don’t say it out loud, let’s keep things tasteful.


Terrence But you are?


Man I expect you at this address within the hour.


The man exits. Terrence glances at the paper again and looks at the door the man just left through. He realises how sweaty his forehead has become and gets a tissue and wipes his forhead

Terrence gets his mobile phone out, calls someone and puts it to his ear.


Terrence Mr. O’Neil? Hi, bad news, it doesn’t fit…yeah, yeah it can happen…the coffins always look bigger when they’re on display but when you up next to the body it can…yeah…yes, I understand you’re upset…


Blackout.

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