Lost in the Dessert
Alright. I officially have no idea where the hell we are. I'm pretty sure we've rode past that cactus, like, twice already.
Uuuuh, this is embarrassing.
Whatever you do, don't let the other realise how lost you are.
Oh crap, Robert's looking over. Smile, smile! Project confidence!
OK, he's frowning, that didn't work. Maybe a smile wasn't the right approach. Maybe people don't want the leader of their war party to be grinning like an idiot.
Alright, the way I see it, I've got maaaaaybe three hours before I've got a mutiny on my hands and they chop my head off. That's plenty of time to figure this out.
Where's the sun? If I look up and see where in the sky the sun is, I should be able to get my North, South, East, West sorted again. Then we're in business, Alright, looking up.
Ah shit! Fuck, that's bright! You didn't need to look directly into the sun, you muppet. And I didn't even get a good look at where it was. I can't look again, everyone will wonder why I keep blinding myself.
Note to self, the next time someone comes up to you and asks if you'd like to participate in a crusade to retake the Holy Land in the name of Christ, you say no! You say no and you get right back to tilling your cabbages.
I don't even know that much about Christ! The priest always did his sermons in Latin, I never knew what he was going on about! Maybe I totally disagree with Christ! Maybe being Christian isn't even my thing! Maybe I don't share Christianity's values!
I know I share cabbage's values. They're tasty, they feed you, they're easy to produce, what's not to love? But you don't see anyone going on crusades over cabbages. Noooo, we all have to go to war over some twat who said some stuff a long time ago in some place I've never heard of. It doesn't make any sense, I don't get it!
I wasn't even supposed to be leading these idiots! It's not my fault our original commander caught some disease and shit himself to death. I still maintain drawing straws was a terrible way of deciding who should replace him. As far as I'm concerned, when everyone here dies of thirst, they'll have nobody to blame but themselves.
Maybe I should take the honesty route. Maybe I should just stop my horse, turn around and say, “Fellas, I am flat out lost.” Maybe they'll understand. Maybe they'll respect the honesty. Maybe they'll even look up to me. Wasn't Moses supposed to be lost in the desert for like 40 years? That's what the dude who translated a sermon for me that one time told me. Maybe that's me. Maybe I'm the next Moses.
Hmm, Robert's whispering to Paul. That can't be good. I think the mutiny's underway. Well, maybe it's something else. Wait, nope, Paul is going back to tell the others, yep, mutiny's definitely going down. Shit, I thought I had more time. Smiling at Robert probably cost me those three hours.
Ok, here we go, you're about to die. I suppose it's not so bad. I probably only had about 5 years left anyway. Cabbages are tasty but they're not very nutritious.
I just wish I had something to turn to now. Some higher power I could turn to in my final moments. Some kind of God. Or maybe Christ – ooooh, ok, yeah, I get it now.