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Trespass


Owner is hammering a “Beware of Dog” sign into the ground as a dog stands next to him, leashed to a post. Dog Come on, please don't put that sign there, everyone's gonna think I'm a massive weirdo!

Owner It's to discourage robbers.

Dog Discourage robbers? I'm chained to a post, what the hell am I gonna do?

Owner It's psychological, you won't ever have to fight the robbers.

Dog I should hope not, I ain't fighting no robbers for you.

Owner Well you could bark at them.

Dog What, like I'm rabid or something?

Owner I'm just saying you could do it.

Dog Well, I won't. And if they have any treats you better believe I'll eat them and they can go into the house and murder your ass.

Owner Dude, come on, work with me here. This is a dangerous neighbourhood. The house got broken into last week.

Dog Then why the hell am I the first and last line of defence over here?

Owner I told you, you wouldn't ever have to fight them.

Dog Well it's not such a dangerous neighbourhood then, is it, if they're too afraid to deal with one dog. Now put the sign away.

Owner No man, I spent 25 pounds on this thing.

Dog 25 quid? On a sign? Are you crazy?

Owner You can't put a price on security.

Dog But you can put a price on a wooden sign and it ain't no 25 pounds!

Owner Point is, it's staying.

Dog Please bro, what will all the other dogs think?

Owner They'll think you're a badass.

Dog They will not think I'm a badass. They will think I'm mental.

Owner Badass mental.

Dog Ok, that might be a thing in human world, not a thing in dog world. Alright, can we at least take the sign down during the night?

Owner What? No, that's when it needs to be up the most!

Dog Come on, man! I got Biscuit coming over tonight!

Owner Biscuit?

Dog My booty call man! She's this sizzling little corgi and if she sees that sign she won't come near me man!

Owner The sign isn't there to frighten away other dogs.

Dog Oh believe, that's what it'll do man. That's what it'll do. Nobody wants to hang out with some crazy “Beware of Dog” motherfucker. Those canines get ostracised, man. Ostracised hard.

Owner I just feel safer when the sign is up.

Dog Well you are killing my sex life, dude. You are straight up smothering it with a big pillow that says “Beware of Dog.” I'll be lucky to get a stray with this shit up.

Owner It's not that bad.

Dog It is that bad! Can you imagine if you walked around with a sign above your head that said “Don't talk to me, I might bite you”? You'd lose all your friends within 24 hours!

Owner I guess.

Dog You guess? You know, motherfucker!

Owner Alright, I'll take it down, I'll take it down.

Dog Thank you.

Owner Can we get you like a spiked collar though?

Dog ...what?

Owner A spiked collar. Make you look all threatening.

Dog Make me look like a douche, more like, where you getting these terrible ideas from?

Owner I just thought--

Dog Well stop thinking man! And get me my kibbles and bits, I'm hungry out here and I need a full stomach for my night with Biscuit tonight.

The owner pull the sign out of the ground.

Owner Well what am I supposed to do with this?

Dog I don't care, man! Keep it in your room then every morning you can wake up and wish you'd spent 25 quid on literally anything else. Now get me my damn kibbles!

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