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Mrs. Vinkleman

An auditorium. The seats are filled with teenagers. Mrs. Vinkleman walks up to the lectern. Mrs. Vinkleman Hello, Year 11. Everyone please be quiet. Now. Great. We need to talk, Year 11. There's been some uncomfortable behaviour happening over the past few months that needs to be addressed. The first thing that needs to be brought up is your...let's call it dress sense. Specifically the girls. Now while we don't have strict dress code here, some of the things you girls have been wearing are inappropriate for the school setting. I'm referring to spaghetti tops, tube tops, shorts that don't even go down to your knees – not appropriate school-wear. If girls can please try to wear trousers that at least go down all the way to your ankles, some long sleeves, maybe throw on a couple of extra layers just in case. Try to wear colours that aren't flattering and please keep things as baggy as possible to draw attention away from your curves. After all your bodies are changing and it's very important to keep that change hidden from the world at all costs. Just have a little shame that's all. Have a little shame. Next, and this pertains to all of you, I've noticed you sometimes like to sit on each other's laps, rest heads on shoulders, I've even seen the occasional handhold. This is unacceptable. Let's try to leave a little of what I like to call “airspace,” alright? Let's give enough room for a breeze to roll through. Frankly I don't think you can ever put enough space between you but let's try to overall keep things at least a metre apart, yeah? Keep your hands on your knees, your eyes on the ground, keep conversation light. Talk about the weather or schoolwork and even then be careful as those topics can become quite sexual if not talked about carefully. I think we can all see the inherent erotic nature of lightning penetrating through the sky and exploding in an electric climax upon the ground. If you find your conversation starting to become a little bit titillating, change the subject or better yet, walk away. This might seem rude but it's the right thing to do. People often abruptly walk away from me when I'm mid-sentence and I stopped taking it personally years ago. Alright I know you all want to go on your lunchbreak so I'll end on this. I know that being a teenager, you're feeling all kinds of new things of new emotions and urges and you're going to want to act on them. This is the worst thing that you could possibly do. If you attempt to do anything sexual with one of your classmates, you will die. Have a nice lunch.

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