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It's too hard, man. How is anyone supposed to do this?

It's a little embarrassing watching hundreds of other runners zoom past while I sit on the edge of the road, hugging the “15k” sign, trying to fight through the fire in my lungs to catch my breath.

They all seem fine, how the hell is that even possible? Why did I think I could do this? I guess I didn't need to be so rude to that guy who came up to me offering a cup of water. “Fuck off” is a pretty strong thing to say in any situation so I may have gone to far when I yelled that at him as I slapped the cup into his face. I swear his tone was patronising though. He must have enjoyed watching me fail.

I'll need to go back to that Sports Direct and yell at the shop attendant who sold me these shoes. Top of the line, he said. Perfect for a marathon he said. Yes, if perfect means developing blisters on the back of your foot about 20 steps in. He better believe he's going to get a piece of my mind.

Did that runner just wink at me? He had the audacity to wink at me? Well now I'm glad I can't complete a marathon because apparently marathon runners are complete fucking tools.

Oh shit, I can't let Jane know I couldn't finish it. She'll be so smug. “I told you you couldn't do it. I told you.” Smarmy bitch.

Maybe I can get an Uber to the finish line. Have him drop me off 5 kilometres away from the end? Maybe 3. I'll wait until over half the runners pass by. Don't want to make it appear like I smashed it, she'd never believe that. But if I came like, 300th? 350Th? That'd be pretty good. I only said I'd complete it, didn't say I'd make good time.

The Uber will never get there though, all the roads are blocked because of this goddamn marathon. Why is this organised every year? It's just annual ceremony of ritual humiliation. All it is is a reminder that we can't accomplish everything we try, that sometimes we are doomed to fail, that some challenges are so insurmountable, we can never hope to overcome them. It's deliberately designed to ensure most people fail. If everyone could do it, they'd probably extend the bloody thing to ensure most people keep failing. And the people who win it are the worst of all. They only feel proud of accomplishing it because so many people don't. They require other people to fail and feel miserable about themselves in order to feel good. Their triumph is inversely proportional to our failure.

So fuck the lot of them I'll say. I'll get that Uber, but I'll take it home.

Oh God, what do I tell Jane? Maybe I can say that I missed her. I'm sure there's hundreds of people at the finish line, it's plausible I couldn't find her so I just texted her and went home. She won't believe it but if I maintain this lie for the rest of my life and steadfastly refuse to admit I couldn't complete it, she'll just drop it. I don't need her to believe me. I just need to get her to a point where she stops trying to get me to admit that I'm wrong. That's the only reason I tried finishing this marathon in the first place, isn't it?

Brilliant, I'll just head home then – oh nope, nope, legs still on fire, I think I'll stay here for a bit longer. Kinda wish that guy would come back with his cup of water.

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