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Oh God, she's touching my arm. Does that mean she's into me? Or is it just a friendly gesture and who am I to presume that she's into me just because she's made some physical contact? Is that the world we're dooming women to? To be unable to make any kind of physical contact without the other party assuming there's a sexual aspect to it? Am I a part of the problem?

Hmmm, she touched it again. That's a good sign right? One arm touch doesn't mean anything but two arm touches definitely means something. Nobody touches someone's arm twice in the space of a few seconds, that's too much.

Ok, let's just establish that she's into you. You're not gonna get anywhere if you don't assume she is. You have to work on that assumption. I mean, don't force the assumption obviously. Back off as soon as she shows the faintest sign of not being into it. Like, if she leans away from you even a little bit, that's clearly a sign that she finds your appearance and personality repugnant and you should be ashamed for even entertaining the remote possibility of her being even somewhat into you.

No, no, no, come on, man, confidence man, confidence. You can be confident and charming without being arrogant and rapey. You can do it.

Ooooh, yes, she just talked about foxes, now's your perfect chance to tell her that story about that time you thought you heard two foxes fighting but then you rounded the corner and it turned out they were having sex and they both looked at you all judgementally like you're a perv.

Yes it worked! She's laughing.

Hmm, she's still laughing. The story is funny but it's not that funny. But that's a good sign right? If she's overlaughing at your jokes that definitely means that she's into you. It's a classic sign: act over-interested in what you're saying, laugh too much at your jokes, arm touching – you are in, buddy.

Or maybe she's just thick and finds the image of two foxes getting it on hysterical. No, come on man, give her a little credit, she's doing an Masters in synthetic biology for Christ's sake. You didn't even know synthetic biology existed until she told you about it. You still don't know what it actually entails. Biological robots? Sure, now who's the thick one?

Ok, I'm going to take a small step towards her and see what happens.

Oh? She doesn't seem to mind. She's resting her hand on the bar, maybe I could really casually put my hand on the bar and slide it towards hers? That would sensual as hell, then I would definitely know if I'm in or not. I mean that's a pretty overt sexual move but one she can easily say no to if I'm reading the situation wrong. Alright, here we go, here we go here we – oh, who the fuck is this guy?

Are you kidding me bro? Are you actually coming over and talking to her when I'm clearly trying to make something happen here?

Great, now he has her attention. Not even introducing himself to me, what a dickhead. I can't believe this, I can't- what did she say?

Ah, he's her boyfriend. That's fine, yeah that's fine, that's totally, totally fine. That's cool, yeah know, I wasn't kidding myself, I didn't think anything was going to happen anyway.

Yeah man, it's nice to meet you too. Hey, is that murder in your eyes? Yes, I do believe this man wants to kill me for moving in on his girl. Ah, toxic masculinity, we meet again. Good to see you've not gone out of style.

I should probably go now though. That would probably be best. Just make up an excuse and make your gracious exit. You wanted to go home and finish the second season of Stranger Things anyway, having sex with a girl would have just gotten in the way of that.

Aaaaand, just like that, I'm gone.

Yeah, I'm glad it turned out like this. Means I don't have to spend any more money on expensive drinks, I'll be able to get a decent 8 hours sleep, this really did work out for the best. I'm happy.

Happy, happy, happy.

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