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Facts of Life



Dad and son in car.

Dad Alright things are gonna be different now. You're gonna be living on your own down there which can seem pretty scary, I know. But you'll see, university is a great experience.

Son I'm Ok, Dad.

Dad You sure?

Son I mean...I guess I'm a little nervous.

Dad Don't let them see that.

Son What?

Dad If you show any weakness, you will get torn apart. You don't want to become somebody's bitch and do all their coursework for them.

Son That won't happen, will it?

Dad Oh it will, trust me, I had a little bitch when I was at university, wouldn't have graduated if it weren't for him.

Son You never mentioned this.

Dad And you know how I got him? Because I bared my teeth on the first day. I found the biggest guy on campus and I punched him square right in the mouth. Turned out to be the dad of an incoming student but the message was sent. That guy's son became my bitch.

Son Can you stop referring to him as your bitch?

Dad I'm just telling it like it is. If you're not careful and someone makes you their bitch, not only will you do all his coursework, you'll do his laundry, lend him money, even write out his CV and cover letter for him so he lands a job. Meanwhile he won't let you get a good job so it doesn't interfere with his bitch duties so you end up working at Burger King your whole life.

Son Is that what you did?

Dad This isn't about me.

Son Oh, my, God is Mark your bitch? That miserable guy who works at Burger King?

Dad Of course he is. Why do you think he flinches every time we go there?

Son I thought he was just a nervous guy.

Dad He was. And now he's my bitch.

Son Dad, you're a terrible person.

Dad It's a terrible world, you gotta be terrible to live in it. Now, what's the first thing you're gonna do when you get to campus.]?

Son I'm not gonna punch anyone in the face.

Dad You want to end up like Mark?

Son No.

Dad So what are you gonna do?

Son ...I'll punch the biggest guy on campus I can find.

Dad That's my boy.

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